It's inevitable that you would argue with your partner but how we argue and how we make the other person feel is what matters most. These 7 tips will help you learn to argue effectively.
How to Argue Effectively in a RelationshipDisagreements, arguments and ego driven goals to be 'right' always are all a perfect remedy to weaken your relationship with your partner and possibly cause break-up or at a core minimum, feel angry, hurt, unseen, unheard and build resentment towards each other. On the other hand, if you never argue then that itself is a major red flag! Not arguing means you both are pros at burying the issues 'under the rug' and suppressing your feelings on issues that are important to you. This is no good and can lead to deep resentment and anger. The Gottman Institute suggests starting arguments with what they call a 'soft start-up' meaning that when you start talking about something you don't like, start in a more empathetic, positive way so it feels soft and not hard or one filled with anger and contempt. Communication is the key to any relationship - without clear, effective communication, you cannot build trust, boundaries and close intimate relationships. Why is communication so important and why do relationships matter so much? Why should you care? Here's why - In life, we meet people who hurt us for NO fault of ours... In life, we also hurt others knowingly and unknowingly.. And in between these two lanes, we also meet people who are just there to support us, love us unconditionally and are just perfect for us and the relationship just flows pretty effortlessly (at least most of the time!). But in all three of the situations and in our relationships, disagreements will arise and instead of choosing to hurt someone you dearly love, learning to make your point effectively will save you and your loved one from that pain and hurt. The main point here is that you do not want to hurt someone and nor do you want to get hurt. It's easy to say, 'I don't care about my actions and I will just move on..' but that is a highly immature, ego-driven approach to relationships and life in general. Nothing kills a relationship, a connection or attraction faster than - -disrespect, too much pride, too much ego, rigidness and inability to apologize or bend backwards for others at times...especially when you are at fault and you have really done a LOT of damage! We ALL have done this at some point or another but the problem comes when you refuse to learn from it the first time, the second time, the third time...ok...the nth time.. ....and repeat the same mistakes again and again...one person after another...!! Your words and your actions have consequences and they also impact others - the more somebody cares for you, the higher the impact on them and they now have to struggle through your betrayal of trust and process those heavy emotions - all because of you. Therefore, we need to learn better communication skills, better emotional regulation and with these 7 tips, you will be able to do just that when some disagreement arises in your relationship. 1. Pause - One thing that we can apply in all of our relationships is to PAUSE - take a breather...take a break....before you react because you might end up doing so much damage in that moment of your insecurity and your triggers that the other person loses respect for you...permanently. That damage could be very costly to you because at that point, they may just choose to walk away from it all as hard as it may be for that person and as much as they truly cared about you and were there for you! So, PAUSE - Pause before you burn the bridge permanently even though you didn't intend to. Pause before...someone loses love, respect and admiration for you! PAUSE for better relationships, better intimacy and better harmony. Tip - Create a keyword between you and your partner and call it, 'Pause'. When things get heated up between you two, say the keyword 'pause' to bring yourself and your partner back to the realization that things are getting too heated between us, we both are tired and stressed right now and it is better for both of us to take a pause right now instead of hurting each other through regretful actions and words. Pause. Then, revisit the issue when you are both calm and centered and come from a loving place. 2. Listen to Respond, Not React - Listen....just listen to them - You do not have to engage with someone beyond your wish but you can always give them the space or an opportunity to talk and just listen to them. Just listening and giving them the opportunity to speak and say what they want to say from their heart can be a priceless gift to a person who has struggled a lot in their life and has dealt with a lot of trauma and heavy emotions. Even if not, it is still a priceless gift to your partner so that they can unload what's on their mind and in their heart plus it also gives you the opportunity to speak your mind and say what's been bothering you. 3. Give Time to Your Partner to Speak His/Her Pain Points - This one might sound similar to the above point but it really is not. You are listening to respond but that also requires your patience and your ability to keep quiet while your partner speaks. This skill will require patience and allowing someone to speak while you absorb the information while not interrupting them at all. Once they are done speaking, pause for a few minutes to collect your thoughts and to contemplate what you want to say in response but either way, you should feel grateful that you gave your partner time to speak his/her pain points. 4. Set Some Rules & Obey Them 100% of the Time - Your focus is on finding a solution with your partner and not to attack or humiliate each other so when you argue, follow some non-negotiable rules. Rules like no name calling, no berating each other, no insults, no sarcasm, no yelling, no raising voice, and definitely no degrading or making derogatory comments on - -your partner's looks -their weight gain or state of health... -their salary or job Besides these, no stonewalling (rolling the eyes), no silent treatment, no ignoring the partner or the issue and definitely, no ghosting. No talking or discussing the issue or the disagreement with your family, relatives or friends or coworkers. This is a private matter that is just between you and your partner and should be treated just like that - with respect and confidentiality. In short, don't discuss your relationship issues with others. 5. Be Mindful of Your Words - Your words matter - once you speak them, you cannot take them back...ever. So speak only harmonious words that indicate your true intentions of making this work between you and your partner. Words like, 'How can we bring a solution to this problem?' or 'What can I do more to make you feel safe or loved?' or 'How can we bring harmony to this issue?' or 'What can I do to make you feel more desired?' and so on... All of these indicate how open hearted and open minded you are as a person and how much you are willing to solve the problems in a harmonious way. 6. Listen to Understand: See Things from His or Her Perspective - This basically means to empathize with the partner and who they truly are deep down inside - try to understand what they are truly asking for and why it matters to them so much. Is it deeply rooted in their childhood? Is it their insecurity about abandonment issues or is it triggering some deep seated trauma? For e.g., if arguing about money, is it because they grew up in abject poverty? If arguing about lack of sex in your marriage, is it because their love language is physical touch and they feel unloved by you? Do they feel unseen by you due to lack of sex or denial of sex? If arguing about kids, is it because they grew up without any guidance or feedback from their parents and so now they want to make sure the kids are raised properly? And so on...you get it. Underneath the argument is always a deeper issue - try to get to that to resolve the distance between both of you and to understand each other's perspectives better. 7. Requests & Not Complaints - State what you need without blame or complaining by starting your sentences with 'I' rather than 'you' to avoid the energy of blame or complaining. Sentences like - 'I would really appreciate it if you could put the dishes in the sink after dinner'. 'I feel like we would have so much more time to give to each other and enjoy (positive note first) if you could pitch in with the dishes and I could do the vacuum. I guess I should have asked earlier instead of getting upset (taking responsibility here). After your partner agrees to pitch in with the chores and to clean up, end with a positive, light, appreciative note - always. This helps to bring 'Thank you dear! You are the best! How about we go out to the local French cafe afterwards?' So, here is the full recap - Use 'I' instead of 'you' to avoid blame. Show appreciation and take your responsibility in the argument. Be polite and end with a positive note. Acknowledge what all your partner does for you - if your partner did the dishes or the vacuum yesterday, acknowledge that and if he/she brings it up, say, 'yes, you do help with the vacuum or the dishes and I really appreciate that about you!'. The Gottman Institute calls these 'the repair attempts' and in happy marriages, repair attempts are exchanged with ease whereas in unhappy marriages, repair attempts are ignored. So, these are the 7 points to help you argue better in your relationships. Another great way to learn and become better in relationships is through books by well respected authors like Dr.John Gottman, Esther Perel, Dr.John Gray and so on. You can search and see and then invest in some books. Ref.(1). Ref.(2). Ref.(3)
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