The Untouched: Dying To Be Loved

This is a true story of a newlywed Indian bride who was dying to be seen, heard and acknowledged by her husband. This is an epidemic - the story of the Untouched. 

This story took place in my life when I was very young - about 20 or 21 yrs old. I am glad it happened when I was so young and just beginning to walk my journey into the world. I had never heard of anything like this story - so the profound effect it had on me was one that would stay with me forever; clearly, it did because I still remember it very clearly after so many years.

A word of warning - you need to read this article slowly so as to understand the psychological dynamics taking place in the narrative between the girl and me, and as the story unfolds. You will not understand the depths of despair that this young, newlywed girl was experiencing if you just rush through the surface of this story.

To understand humans and to connect deeply with each other's 'stories,' we need to be able to look at the invisible - what is hidden beneath the surface, as in looking beyond the spoken words or even the raw emotions that emerge during the narrative, and secondly, we need to be able to dive deep in to the person's energetic field to see the intensity of their despair - this tells us how hopeless they feel or where the pain is. 

Energetically, I can dive deep into the person's body and see where the pain is and what else is hidden there - I understand though that this is not for everybody. But still, one thing we all can do is to give others a safe space to speak their pain - this is the paradigm of developing deeper connections with other human beings. 

Though some narratives may be small, the meaning they impart in our lives is what matters and what we take with us. In exchange of that, we give the author of these narratives the safe space that they desperately seek - to be seen, heard, and acknowledged, and not ridiculed or betrayed. 

Here's the story...

I remember it was summer evening when I was just walking back from my class to my apartment on the campus. We all lived in a fairly new, 'elite' apartment complex built exclusively for the university students. To live in these apartments meant that we all - the students, had some good money though the reality was that we were all broke as hell! LOL. We all had our own group of friends and depended on each other - whoever had a good job at the time would help and vice versa. 

At the time of this story, I was working part-time for Mary Kay. I was also doing part-time internship at Merrill Lynch. As I was walking inside the complex and about to get to my apartment, few Indian girls were standing outside and talking. We knew each other so as we exchanged a few words, they asked me to come over to their place for some time. 

One of the girls, who this story centers on, had previously asked me to show her the Mary Kay catalog. She wanted to see some lipstick colors. All these girls were graduate students - so were much older than me. 

So, off we all went to their apartment and after talking for some time, I then showed the Mary Kay catalog to the girl. Another guest (some other Indian graduate student) who was their friend had also come over so there was a moment when all the girls (the hosts - about 3 other girls) went to attend to her. 

At that moment, it was just me and this girl sitting in the living room on one corner. 

As she was flipping through the Mary Kay catalog and going over the cosmetics and lipstick shades, she then asked me what color of lipstick I think would suit her and if I think she would need some lip liner or gloss to go with it.

She was fair and had roundish face, thick Indian black hair that was tied in a braid and deep seated eyes - as in, her face was on  a chubby side (though she was not overweight or anything) so her eyes were deeply set in the midst of her thick skin.

She had clear, flawless skin and a very well toned body - not overweight and not thin. Small breasts - but not too small either but definitely not curvy, and her height was about 5'4". 

Anyways, so I suggested she buy the pink or red shades - those would suit her very well. Note at this time no one was around us - she and I were on the corner couch and just talking alone. 

I had picked a shade for her so she asked me - "Do you think that will look good on me?" So  I told her, "Yes! That will look good on you - it will really suit you as you are fair and you have nice skin."

Then she said, "You know..I just got married and my husband lives in another state. He is working there and I am here finishing my masters. But I try to visit him as much as I can..After marriage only, I came to America while he was already here before me."

So I asked her, "OMG! How come he lives there?  Why doesn't he live here and work here? Isn't that an odd arrangement that you have to be here and go visit everytime...What about him..? Does he come here and visit you?!"

She replied - with her tone becoming more subtle, "No he hardly ever comes here. Only I have to go there. Even on the phone he won't talk much. That is why I am trying to buy lipstick so I can wear it when I go to visit him again."

I had already picked up a lot by now so I asked her - "What do you mean he will not talk to you?"

She replied - "I don't know..he hardly talks to me. Even on phone calls, I am the one who is talking mostly and he is quiet or not interested."

Pause. 

Then she asked me as if she was desperate for some answer so that she could perhaps find a few moments of peace within - "Do you think there is some other girl..?! Maybe? I don't know.."

Note that there was at least a 4-5 yr gap between us - she was a graduate student and I was an undergrad. 

I told her , "It could be..why is he not talking to you?! There seems to be a problem..."

She was sitting on my left side and I was right next to her - on her right side. 

Her self-worth and her sense of 'SELF' was slipping out of her hands - faster than she could realize. She was struggling to make sense of all this - coming from a nice respectable middle-class Indian family settled in India, getting married to a man settled in America and then facing this grim reality, all alone in America...without her family knowing about it...it was too much for her. 

The words that were about to come out of her mouth - I would never forget them. Never. Her face and her eyes were beginning to look burdened - from turning pages of Mary Kay catalog and trying to find that perfect lipstick color that would make her feel desirable, she was struggling to find her dignity.

Till today I do not know why she chose to share it with me but I am glad she did because like I said earlier - we were really not friends and both of us had different groups, plus the age gap. Irrespective, I am thankful she felt comfortable enough in my presence to share the conflicts going on inside her. 

She had settled on a lipstick color - a shade of red, and I told her I will get it for her as soon as possible. As I was beginning to wrap up my catalogs, it was about to happen - a moment that I will never forget.
It had a deep psychological impact on me - perhaps because it was the first of its kind in my life and also because I felt helpless because energetically I could feel her pain, despair and loss of self-worth.

Gosh! What was about to come out of her mouth...my heart sank! Silence followed for a few minutes after the Words and then, even though we talked a little and I asked a few more questions, the truth is nothing came out of it - I was helpless and so was she. 

THEN, she turned her head and looked at me straight. Our eyes met - we were right next to each other. 

And then she said....

"You know............He won't even touch me......."

By then, I had understood everything about her situation. Everything. 

-Somyata