Bleeding - My Journey to Metamorphosis

As women, our bodies are complex and strong; this article talks about the importance of listening and following your body's guidance. What is the purpose behind our bleeding? 

Before I share this very important and sacred part of my life's journey, I just want to say a few things -

-I am simply writing about MY life, MY story, MY body, MY decisions and ultimately, MY interpretations of this time of my life - I say this because some people might feel like they need to send me some medical advice or write some suggestions. NO - that is not needed. Thanks. 

-Also a note to all - do understand that this is a very small space to gather everything that went on these 3 yrs and that part will be very, very detailed in my book someday - but for now, I am writing whatever I think will help you understand this part of my life's experience.

-there are many elements that make up a person's life experience on what it becomes and what meaning it holds and this space is too small to shrink those right now. So, for example like someone who is very close to me - like my closest aunt, she knows about this time of my life in details and why I chose the choices I chose at the time...She knew what was going on with me internally and she is one person who knows me (and everything about me) from the day I was born. So, all this to say that as a reader who barely knows me or does not know me so personally, you may not understand the deeper elements of this time of my life but I will do my best to explain...till my book comes out one day.

-the only 2 people I told at that time were my aunt (mentioned above) and my childhood best friend (we grew up together). Nobody else from my personal life knew that I was going through this...for 3 yrs.

-this is NOT to tell you or anyone that this is what needs to be done if someone has the same issue like I did - this is simply me sharing my life's experience and that's it. You and you alone are responsible for the choices you make for your health, for your body and for your Soul's growth at large.

I am going to do my best to explain what was going on with me at that time of my life and that will help you understand how and why I view this experience as I do.

A Quick Thought -

Everything in our life is continuous; before any event shows up in your life, look at the happenings before that and then before that and so on - you will see they are all linked and connected together by a divine thread called your 'Soul's destiny'...

Sure, some things we choose by our own free will and some things are just meant to happen...this one falls in the second category.

Know that whatever I share with the outside world is very calculated but when and if I share, it is the Truth - so I had cancer and when I shared it, everything was exact. I was in hospital for a week (7th day we left), I had surgery but NO medicines before my surgery stay or after that - none. No chemo or radiation either. Nothing.

OK so now, let's start...

-As women, it is important that if we are in mensuration age, we get our periods regularly on time and they must be pain-free. Heavy or too scanty periods, missed periods or those that are with a lot of pain are NOT normal and they are not a sign of a balanced, healthy body.

-My cancer surgery was in May, 2014. Let's go back a little bit in time..

-from 2009 to 2011, I slowly started missing my periods and ultimately, had NO periods for those 2 yrs. I was very clear that I would not go to doctors or take pharmaceuticals drugs - nope but as anyone who has been on vegan or holistic journey knows, you learn as you go - I was still in that phase of learning a lot and acquiring knowledge...deeper knowledge and what I know now, through the years of my experiences, work, etc. - I did not know then so while I was trying to bring my body back in balance, I was still very clear headed that I would let the journey unfold but I would NOT take the pharma route. NO regrets here - none. In fact, as I look back at each of my decisions, they have all been right - letting the next thing unfold and ultimately bringing my body into a balanced and a healthy state.

-From 2008 May to 2009 June - I was in India for a total of 11 months with a gap of about 2.5 months in between. I went to India to stay with my grandma after my grandfather had passed away and to be there for her and to take care of her. At that time, I had only 2 dogs so we three went and stayed for 9 months (2+9 months total). That is when my periods started going irregular and around 2009, they went away completely.

-I and the dogs came back to America on June 19th, 2009 - thankfully, I was able to rent a wonderful condo right away and by June 30th, I and the dogs moved to our new home.

-I had lot of personal stress from worrying about my grandma to family politics to my parents...you name it but overall, other that that my life was calm and I and the dogs had a wonderful home, we walked everyday and it was a time in my life where despite heavy emotions and frustrations and despite being alone -with no support in my life and with everyone that I was close to was far away (my aunt in India, my best friend in Dubai at the time and my amazing friends here in the U.S had all moved to diff. states, etc.), I was determined to learn nutrition and how to bring my periods back again..

But I did have an immense amount of stress - when I came back from India after a 9 months stay, I was mentally and emotionally worn out because a lot happened in that trip...More detailed in my book...Add to it, my concerns for my beloved grandma and also for my aunts...esp. since my grandma-me-my aunt we three have always been inseparable from get-go ....We three are ONE - almost like saying 3 different bodies but one Soul. 💖

To make matters worse..

Now...look at the dates carefully...

On April 25th, 2010 - My first dog died. The shock, the grief...especially of losing your first dog hit me very hard! She died from the 'required' vaccination and that was the beginning of my awakening - to question about these vaccinations...

I was already going through inner turmoil and then she left. I use to cry and cry and cry...I was in deep pain. Mentally and emotionally, I felt I was gone...I did not know how I was going to come out of this deep pain - deep grief of losing her. I use to think that the pain of losing her is so strong that it is going to kill me...that it will take my life...because I use to cry so much.

But the way I think and the way I do things is very different than most people - to help myself 'cope' with her death, I rescued 4 dogs out of the shelter that year. Yup. I got busy with rescuing and rehabilitating more dogs and so now I had 5 wonderful dogs and a beginning of another spiritual journey with my dogs.

-April 26th, 2011 - Because I was trying to bring my body in balance at that time, whatever happened...suddenly after 2 yrs of no periods, my periods came back - this was April 26th, 2011. I knew very well (because of the date - one year and one day from my dog's death) that this was going to be some spiritual ride...something was coming....it meant something..

The problem was now that...

.......the 'periods' did not stop...the bleeding continued and continued and continued...it was heavy...and went on for 3 long years of my life.....nonstop..

It was April end (26th) when I remember standing in the kitchen and suddenly felt that I was having my period - that my prayer had been answered and thank God, my periods are back..!

They were or I thought it was a period - from a start date to a set end date with just a few days in between but nope - I was wrong! It just seemed like a pouring of heavy blood out of the body - my body.

As time progressed, my bleeding did not stop - I was getting worried and alarmed. I had NObody in my life at that time who I could talk to or who could advise me so I knew I was going to have to figure this out on my own - the whole load was on me...as usual...

Slowly as time progressed, instead of using one pad per day, it was becoming that I would change 2 pads and then 4 and then sometimes 5 within 24 hrs...

The bleeding continued - it did not stop despite my life's responsibilities of paying the bills, going to work, cooking, cleaning and supporting myself and my dogs at that time.

I still went to work and chose to continue working so I can be independent and well that finally meant having to talk to my manager about what was going on with my body..

At that time, I was working at UT cancer research (oncology) and as my nonstop bleeding became heavier and heavier, I started going late to work or skipping days or when I could feel that my bleeding was coming very strongly, I would then have to go talk to my manager (a female too) and tell her I need to go home right away...

We would have buses running from UT (in Houston medical center) to where I lived - private condos as that is where most of the medical area employees lived so we had UT buses running for employees every 20 mins..

But sometimes, those 20 mins and then another 20 mins to get home and then another 15 mins walk from the bus stand to my condo seemed like walking up the mountain.

For those 3 yrs, I pretty much wore black pants/leggings all-the-time except when at home...

Because of constant bleeding, I started skipping work too - there were days when I was tired in the morning and to be very honest, another aspect was that I started hating my job - I knew my body developed this 'symptom' to give me a sign and to give me a valid excuse to not go to work - just stay where you love most - your home...

I LOVED being at home with my dogs (I had 5 dogs total) - my home environment has always been very, very positive, clean, calm, ambient, structured and scheduled - I am VERY particular about my home space and who/what I invite in it. I do NOT invite just anyone in my home - nope. My home space has always been and will always be - my sacred space.

I am, by nature - a home buddy; I do not like being away from my dogs or leaving them for too long...I have always had a very deep, highly spiritual relationship with all my dogs (all rescues). They are my heart and soul and I do not allow just anybody near them either - our home is our private sanctuary and our sacred space. Period.

When I was bleeding each and every day of my life, it was my responsibilities towards my dogs and my dreams that kept pulling me - one day at a time...

I would come home, rush and change pads, change clothes and then take the dogs out for a mini walk. Then get back in the kitchen, cook food for them, then again we would go for a walk and to the park so they could enjoy themselves and play and then get back home, pack my lunch, eat something and off to bed. This was my life pretty much for those 3 yrs..

My strong desire to be with my dogs and to be there for them is one of the main reasons why I was able to go through this experience and still make it. Somedays I felt I was losing gallons of blood - I could feel it...

I am sure I had low iron levels but I don't remember taking iron supplements now. This was that time in my life when I was just re-learning my Indian cooking - what my grandma had taught me, what I had forgotten and what I needed to go back to.....

Because I was already a vegan for a long time by this time, I think that at least gave my body the strength to go on without ever collapsing or fainting or having any stroke or so...

To bleed and that too, heavy amounts of blood just rushing out of you...non-stop...for not 1..not 2 but 3 yrs is a HUGE deal but I never ever fainted or even felt dizzy or anything. I was just tired at times in the mornings especially and I do think it was also due to the reason that how much I hated my job. I didn't want to go to work - I wanted to stay at home, be left alone and be away from everybody.

I just wanted freedom and I wanted to be at home and then go out in the sun and sit in the park with my dogs...

As I would pull my body out of the bed each morning, get dressed and rush to work, I remember sitting in that UT bus everyday and looking outside the windows - as the bus would pass our area park, I would see people sitting there with their dogs in the morning sun and enjoying and I would feel that I should be doing the same...

I was suffocating - the job was pulling the life out of me...I hated it. I hated the people too (except my manager and my employer/director). I hated every aspect of my job - I knew it was sucking the life out of me, both metaphorically and literally speaking (my bleeding - our blood is our life force).

The fact that my grandma was still there for me and waiting for me to visit her and the fact that I had my aunt was monumental in keeping me strong during this time - it pulled my body in the right direction, to not give up and to keep going...this is why I never fainted or collapsed despite extreme amounts of blood loss for 3 yrs...until my surgery. When you have the willpower to show up for your responsibilities and to make it despite all odds, life will pull you and give you its life force - it will sustain you even if against all odds.

My aunt and I used to talk almost daily on the phone during this time and she knew what was going on. My best friend knew as well - I had told her and so besides these two, I didn't tell anyone else.

At work, my manager + the other 2 managers (both females too) knew and then I think few other people might have known..

There were many men who were interested in me and had asked me out and wanted to date me - nice wonderful men but I was not going to date anyone.

I have always been a very mature for my age and in general too, I am very mature, clear headed person. I am very clear what I will allow or won't allow and at what point in my life too - I will never pull anyone in my suffering or life's upheavals especially something like this...

I needed to focus on my body and I just wanted to be left alone - no one's going to tell me what to do with my body and I wanted freedom to let my body guide me...let it do what needs to be done and let it guide me instead..

During this time, I never took a single pill or medicine. I did visit a wonderful Chinese herbalist - in fact where I live now, her clinic is just 10 mins from my home. She started me on some herbs and that helped but very little - it did not stop my bleeding at all...but I think it gave my body enough strength to pull through and go visit India - my grandma, my aunts and my other loved ones.

Even with bleeding, I went to India in 2012 for a month (with 2 of my dogs) and then in 2013 for 3 months with one of my dogs (I had quit my job finally!) and then in 2014, when my body was ready - it gave me a clear sign and I knew it was time to go for surgery - May 2014 was my surgery.

End Note - The only reason I know I made it through this time of my life was because I knew what was happening - I was losing my old blood and in turn, releasing all the pain and trauma that was in it from generations and generations...

I also knew that energetically I was releasing the pain and trauma of those women who have come before me and who I love dearly and who have loved me dearly - my grandma, my beloved late aunt (who oddly looked a lot like me - I have talked about this before) and my aunt who is closest to me...

I would bleed and bleed and bleed...Even when taking a shower, I could see blood coming out and water just washing it away on the white ceramic tub...and then more coming out and then the water just gently taking it and washing it away...

I wanted to bleed - I actually loved the experience of seeing the blood come out of my body and just wash away everything that was there...letting the Universe do what it needs to do and let it be replaced by new fresh blood - because that is exactly what was happening.

I knew my transformation had begun and this was catharsis to my journey - that it was full head-on metamorphosis. When it seemed like this would never end, I would just take it each day at a time - just talk to myself, relax, go to sleep and then wake up the next day and on to my responsibilities and planning for the future. This is exactly how I made it when it seemed like this bleeding would be endless...it would never end.

It was during this time when I started watching videos to learn about spices, Indian cooking and more and then I started making my own recipes - one at a time hoping they would heal me. Perhaps it was this passion and the other elements that I have discussed above that kept me going on and pulled me through this time..

Because I trusted my body, it didn't ever fail me - it had enough strength to keep me going on and withOUT telling anybody I could manage everything on my own - from going for groceries to loading the grocery bags, to bathing and grooming my 5 dogs to cleaning, cooking, laundry, learning, etc. and planning my future goals - I did everything despite heavy bleeding at all times.

After I quit my job that I hated so much, I felt free - I had freedom and that is what I was craving for. I would get up early in the morning and then once the dogs would be awake and had eaten, I would then take them to our park (a beautiful park next to our condos) and as my dogs would be so happy and while they would play and some would sit down with me on the bench in the morning sun.

It was an image that I will never forget - all 6 of us were healing in some way or the other. All these dogs had a story - they had problems too, some behavioral problems and some had medical issues - they were all healing their trauma in this lifetime and I was the one helping them heal...

And in turn, they were helping me to go on...to heal and to continue....

I would feel inner peace - knowing very well that I had quit the job that was sucking the life out of me and that just as I use to look at the park everyday from the windows of the bus while going to work...I am now the one sitting in the park enjoying the sun...with my dogs...while my body was still bleeding...

...while watching the UT buses running and picking people from our bus stops...

I knew that I had made the right decision and that everything that was happening was in perfect order - I just need to trust this moment and let the journey unfold and see what comes and that the Universe has got my back - I just need to trust my bleeding and let it guide me on my life's path.

After that, I rest my case - because that is exactly what happened. 💖

-Somyata